Today I’m going to buck the happy-go-lucky holiday trend for a moment. Why? Because this can be a truly difficult time for many people, particularly for those who feel alone or isolated, even if they don’t usually feel this way.
Imagine a widow or widower, a senior whose children have moved to other cities or are too busy with work and other holiday commitments to call or visit as often as usual – who feels alone.
Or a single parent, who has young children at home but feels isolated from other adults – who feels alone. A young adult, away from home due to work or school, unable to return for the holidays – who feels alone. So many others, who feel alone.
For anyone who – through circumstance or perception – feels alone, the winter holiday period can be a heartbreaking. Let’s take an example from my biomedical ethics background, in which the patient’s name has been changed to protect their privacy, from the American Journal of Medicine:
As the medical assistant inflated the cuff, Mr. Hickman smiled weakly and maintained a cheerful façade…
Later, on more careful questioning by his primary care physician, Hickman admitted that he was feeling “more down than usual”…
Thinking back over the years he had cared for this patient, the physician recalled that December tended to be a particularly bad month.
Social isolation, tolerable for most of the year, became painful around the holidays.”(1)
If you can think of anyone you’ve met who might be in a similar situation to any of these examples, I’d like to ask a favour of you. Consider this to be my first holiday wish! Could you schedule 15 or 30 minutes this week, to call them? If you can find the time, maybe even offer to meet them for coffee.
Yes, I know; we’re all so very busy over the holidays that it’s difficult to find extra time for anything. But consider, for just a moment, that this might be the only call or visit that they would receive over the holidays; their only real interaction with another person. If you don’t take the time, they won’t receive any calls.
If you have kids, this would be a great way to teach them what the spirit of the holidays is meant to be about… by involving them as well ‘-) A quick call from a child, just to say “Happy Holidays!”…
The holiday period isn’t only a challenge for people who’re lonely. Even the most organized and on-top-of-it-all among us can feel overwhelmed and stressed by the additional burden of the holidays; baking, cooking, decorating, entertaining, financial concerns, gift shopping and wrapping, travel, work…
So my second holiday wish is that you schedule 15 or 30 minutes for… you. To just stop for a few minutes and do, well, nothing! Take a bath, have a cup of tea, read a magazine article, meditate, have a nap, strike a yoga pose… Whatever it is that you like to do. The benefits of some self-care, as it’s often called, are underrated!
That’s one of the many things that I learned in a group psychology course this year, offered within the pain management unit at which I receive treatment for my rare disease. Even folks who’re healthy need to take time to look after their own well-being, their own self-care. So this is my reminder to you, to do just that – particularly during the always-busy holiday season ‘-)
Yet even folks living with chronic illness and persistent pain conditions can forget to do this during the holidays. And even happy holiday moments can paradoxically increase their pain levels. Trying to push past the limitations of a disease, in order to spend more time with loved ones or to participate in joyous holiday activities, can have serious consequences… whether or not these are visible.
For patients, at home or in hospital, the winter holidays may – directly or indirectly – cause a worsening of their disease-related fatigue, pain, and other symptoms. At the same time, they don’t want to let anyone down, to push loved ones away, or to be seen as a ‘party-pooper’.
This person might pretend, more than usual, to be ‘okay’ or ‘fine’; to try to hide their increased levels of anguish, distress, and pain. Yes, even to their closest friends and other loved ones.
There are, though, some ways to help prevent this. Will you be hosting any events, over the holiday period, with a guest who lives with chronic illness? Perhaps someone who’s recovering from cancer treatment, hospitalization, mental health issues, surgery, or trauma? An elderly relative?
If so, here’s my third holiday wish! Consider whether there’s some way that you could set aside a place in which they could rest or take a break during the celebrations. If you don’t have a guest room, could you put a chair in your own room or a blanket on your bed in case they need a nap?
Then let them know, well in advance, what you’ve planned for their comfort during the event or party; that there’s somewhere they’ll be able to rest if they need to. After they arrive, show them this quiet space; assure them that they’re welcome to use it – that you’re happy they’re there.
These simple actions could change someone’s perspective, from dreading a celebration to truly embracing it. From broken-heartedly refusing the invitation, to gladly accepting it. After all, isn’t this what the holidays are really about? Making people feel cherished, connected, loved, and welcome…
As I have written so often in this blog, please don’t read into this post that it’s about me. It’s not. I’m writing this for all the lovely people I’ve met, through my own patient journey, who feel this way but can’t express it.
And now it’s time for my final holiday wish – that you and your loved ones have a truly happy holiday season!
Reference:
(1) Richard L. Kravitz and Daniel E. Ford. Introduction: Chronic Medical Conditions and Depression – the View from Primary Care. The American Journal of Medicine. Nov 2008, Volume 121, Issue 11, S1 – S7. Online. Accessed 13 Dec 2019:
https://www.amjmed.com/article/S0002-9343(08)00862-0/fulltext