I just left my family physician’s office, a-g-a-i-n. Don’t get me wrong; he’s a really nice guy, a genuinely kind person! But I really wish I didn’t have to see him every few weeks.
It feels as though I’m wasting his time, asking him to fill in forms for my medical leave. Yes, we also talk about my general health; my cholesterol and iron levels, vaccinations, etc.
When I pull out “the form”, I see his shoulders sag – although it’s almost imperceptible. The only reason I notice it is because I’ve known him for so long. I’m fairly confident it means that he’s really not looking forward to this part of our appointment.
Who would, really?:
. “Has there been any change since I last saw you?”
. “Are you still having problems with words?”
. “With your concentration, focus, memory?”
. “Is there anything new?”
It’s depressing. Even if I’m not depressed, I still dread these kind of “so nothing’s any better?” questions. Maybe he dreads asking them – it can’t be much fun for him either.
Since I had to stop working (at the end of 2018), because of cognitive issues, these have been regular questions. For “the form”, pretty much once a month.
Compared to our southern neighbours, in the US, I realize that we’re lucky in Canada. We don’t have to fight so often, with insurance companies, for coverage or reimbursement of medications. I’ve never had to do that, not so far, at any rate.
So it came as a surprise today, when my physician told me to be ready for the insurance company to fight “the form” he was completing. This one is for my transition, in mid-June, from short-term disability (STD) leave to long-term disability (LTD) insurance.
In his experience, insurers seem to try to fight most requests for LTD. I suppose I was naïve; there had been no issues with my STD, so I simply assumed that all would go well with the transition to LTD.
The potential problem, he explained, is that the reason for which I stopped working is… invisible. A mild cognitive impairment, or MCI, isn’t something that someone can see. It doesn’t show up in a blood test, for example, or an x-ray.
It’s also not something that appears every moment of the day – although it does seem that way sometimes! What does my MCI do? It messes with my concentration, my ability to focus (even to read a book, write a blog post), and my short-term memory. Also my language skills, something of which I’ve always been proud.
One example is something that happened a few weeks ago. At the funeral for the brother of one of my old friends, I kept saying “congratulations”. Yes, yikes!!! In my mind, I was saying “condolences”. But that’s not what came out of my mouth.
Each time, I wouldn’t know that I’d said something inappropriate until I saw the reaction – and then I had to ask what I’d said. And apologize, try to explain. Not just once, but several times. Even though, after that first time, I was truly concentrating on not saying “congratulations” again…
So… another example, just now. These days, I spell- and grammar-check everything I write. [Although that doesn’t catch all the errors.] When I checked the draft version of this post, the line above was: “Even though I was concatenating on…”
I don’t even recall what it means to concatenate!! But I wrote it, instead of concentrate. It’s not an autocorrect issue; “conca” brings up “concave” on my phone…
It’s somewhat scary, not knowing quite what I’m saying. Or writing. Not being able to focus on reading a policy, or a funding request. And that’s why I stopped working, stepped away from my dream job. Because I could no longer trust what I was doing. How can someone work in that situation?
To draft an agreement or a presentation, and wonder whether it made any sense. Had I put in words that weren’t correct, but wouldn’t show up as errors in spell-check? Or missed something? It was terrifying to work that way.
And in the meetings which I’d chair, each week. Was I saying things that made no sense? Were my colleagues able to understand me? What about the folks at the healthcare centres, hospitals, and universities with whom I worked? Was I unknowingly giving my employer, or my program, a bad reputation?
I’d landed the best job e-v-e-r; giving away money, to help Canadians and improve their health. More officially, I was managing a philanthropic funding program within the sphere of healthcare. Literally a “do what you love” situation for me.
It’s hard enough for me to be away from my job, to no longer be surrounded by my colleagues, and to not to feel as though I’m making a difference in people’s lives through my work in philanthropy. [In that last line, I’d written “eyes” rather than “lives”. Sigh.]
Now I also have to prepare myself for “a fight” with my insurance company. When it already feels as though I’m fighting with my brain. It was a very difficult discussion with my family physician, but I am glad that he warned me about this possibility.
If all goes as well as I had been expecting, until this conversation, then I’ll be pleasantly surprised. If not, well, at least I’ll have had some time to steel myself for whatever comes next with my insurance company.
As always, thanks for reading! I’ll try to post again tomorrow, when I’m not feeling so blue. It is my favourite colour, but not my natural state of mind ,-)